


One of a thousand

by PearlBringerOfChaos



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Bad Spelling & Grammar, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Loss of Identity, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-26 10:44:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20388433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlBringerOfChaos/pseuds/PearlBringerOfChaos
Summary: Ruby feels empty sometimes like when she remembers that she not the only Ruby around.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is really sad it will get better but it is really sad so be warned.

How could a Ruby of all gems find herself in such a good situation. Ruby was so loved that sometimes it burned her. Because somewhere deep in her gem she knows she doesn't deserve it. Laying with Sapphire and Pearl she can feel the love they have for her. The love she was feeling was overwhelming Ruby blinks away tears as she snuggles her face deeper into Sapphire neck. When had a Ruby ever been so lucky. Sniffing she suddenly feels guilty for being there pressed between the two gems she loved more than she knew how to express with words. The feeling of not belonging enters her heart an old tune she can't quite forget. The voice from long ago reminds her that she is just a Ruby, and like all Ruby's are disposable. One of thousands there were so many that looked just like her on Homeworld. Why was she the one they wanted to give their time there love. Why did they need her what made her a Ruby so special. It hurt sometimes to think of, but she couldn't help it. Ruby couldn't help wondering if there was another Ruby who would make them happier. Ruby looks around trying to distinguish things in the dark. There was nothing around to distract Ruby from her thoughts nothing to help ease her mind. Trying to sit up she sighs as she looks annoyed at the hands that hold her in place. Ruby wishes in a way that they would let her go. Starting to pull away, she can feel them both starting to wake around her Sapphire is clingy, and starting to whine in her sleep. Pearl is just as bad, and there are both trying to get her to stay almost free she pushes Sapphire onto Pearl. Sapphire whimpers in her sleep but calms as latches onto Pearl with a strong grip. Ruby gently rubs Sapphire back until she is asleep again. After a few seconds they both settle down back to a deeper sleep unaware of Ruby's sadness. Ruby stand's making her way to the kitchen slinking along in the dark. Where she soon is making herself a cup of tea. It's fast and easy year's of practice finally coming in to use, but she doesn't drink it too upset. After what feels like an endless amount of time she feels no closer to any sort of inner peace. Than she was drinking any of the tea she had just made. Ruby had used all the cups, mugs, and glass to make tea. When she starts to think about putting the tea in bowls. When she hears it a whiny little noise a needy little sound. Followed by tired by muttering a weak voice whispers into the night. 

" Ruby where'd you go." 

Ruby looks at the clock see's it's only three in the morning. Sapphire should still be asleep, but against all odds had woken up. Ruby panics, but a moment when she realizes instantly that she has nothing to feel guilty for. That thought should bring Ruby comfort. Knowing Sapphire has no reason to be angry should bring her mind to some level of inner peace, but it really doesn't, and she can't place why. Ruby guess because she doesn't want Sapphire to be calm. Ruby wants anger for her to be mad at her. Wishes she would punish her. Lose her temper scream at her. Anything hate Ruby as much as she hates herself but she won't. Ruby watches the door with butterflies in her stomach. Sapphire appears looking tired and worn down. Hugging a pillow she looks around the house for Ruby. Finally their eyes meet and it makes Ruby wish that they held anger, or resentment. So that it would make things easier to deal with, but all Ruby sees is a strange mix of understanding and confusion. Sapphire and Ruby stand staring at each other. A chasm between them one of Ruby's own making. Week's of being cold and indifferent paying off in a way that makes Ruby's gem ache. Breaking eye contact unable to stand Sapphire gaze any longer. Ruby looks at the cup of tea in front of her well the many cups of tea in front of her. Ruby wants to see what Sapphire sees what does she look like to her. Ruby wonders if she looks calm and collected or the wreck she feels like since the whole thing with Rubies started. Ever since homeworld had been freed there had been gems coming in wanting the earth life. The happiness the freedom, and Ruby loved it she did helping gems becoming accustomed to earth. It was becoming a passion of hers, but that was before Ruby blinked away tears. Feeling so small before the influx of lost Rubies looking for love and acceptance. Ruby understood she did, but with so very many Rubies around. Always underfoot saying things before she could open her mouth saying the things she was thinking before she even had the chance to think them made her feel less like Ruby, and more like the Rubies. How could anyone love her when she was just a copy. Looking at a spot on the wall that she felt was safe to stare at she jerks as hand appears In front of her face. Sapphire hand watching it she follows the hand to her arm. From there to her face that looks concerned. Her voice is quiet like she afraid to break the silence around them.

" Ruby what are you doing up come back to bed." 

Ruby finds she can't focus. All she can think about is the decisions that had brought her to the state of loss. It was like a void had opened inside the old feelings were coming back. The need to blend into the background to be forgotten like she had been before she had met Sapphire. Before the war before Ruby had tasted freedom. Feels Sapphire rubbing the side of her face she can barely hear her whispering. The sound makes her awake instantly looking at Sapphire face only a moment. Turning Ruby walks towards the fridge the hurt is palatable behind her. Opening the door trying her best not to breakdown crying. Ruby keeps telling herself that this is for the best Sapphire needs to realise what Ruby already knows. That she wasn't special that Sapphire didn't need her. That there were hundreds of different Rubies around who could replace her. Sapphire life could be better less complicated. Pulling out something random out of the fridge she turns trying to come up with a plan to leave. The house looking at Sapphire she says as happy as she can.

" We're out of milk I've got to get more I'll be back." 

She walks towers the front door only to be stopped by Sapphire voice.

" Ruby that's a jar of pickles." 

Looking at her hand she realizes with a sense of detachment that she was right they were pickles.

" And."

Sapphire voice continues  
Ruby doesn't want to talk doesn't want to hear what Sapphire has to say. Wants to go somewhere where she think where she can brood without someone trying to make her feel better before she can stop herself she snaps.

" What Sapphire."

Even Ruby flinches at how sharp her voice sounds, and if the intake of breath behind her is any indication so is Sapphire voice is quiet. The sound of hurt the only sound Ruby can hear. A sound that she dreads it because it means her plan is working. 

" Your clothes Ruby."

Ruby looks down she's in her night clothes. Ruby changes clothes with barely any thought she is soon in her normal attire walking forward she stopped again by Sapphire. 

" Ruby are you ok your acting strange." 

Ruby stops Turning her eyes unseeing as she remembers. Her mind stuck in a past she never really escaped from . Forcing a smile on her face that she doesn't really feel. Ruby does what she has always done in these situations. Ruby smiles, and says the same thing she has told every single gem that has asked that particular question since the day she was born.

" I'm fine."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby doesn't like to remember her past Sapphire just wants to help.

Ruby doesn't know how she escaped Sapphire. Sapphire had stayed oddly quiet lost in her future vision. Ruby wasn't complaining she had escaped Sapphire because of it she was worried yes, but again she wasn't complaining. The first thing Ruby had done after her escape was throw the pickles in the ocean. The second was to start walking going to a place where there wasn't a crowd of Rubies. It was becoming a trial for her to find a place that wasn't occupied by rubies. So when she had found a spot deep in the forest that was quite next to the beach she had nearly collapsed in relief. Finally a place to hide she hated the forest with all her heart but if It's flammable trees and grass kept her hidden than she gladly sit where she was until the end of all record time. Sitting stubbornly by herself was something she was good at Something she used to do as a hobby before she met Sapphire. Said gem had always insisted she not be alone during such times. Sapphire wasn't here right now so Ruby felt safe that she could sit by herself until everyone and everything had forgotten about her. Ruby wanted to be alone burying her head into her knees see sits in silence until Ruby hears a thud. Looking up she fights back the urge to rip up all the grass around her in a screaming tantrum. Walking over to her was none other than Pearl the sleepwalking wonder who always found someone to snuggle when she was asleep. No matter how far any of the crystal gems traveled she always found someone to snuggle, and following close behind was a distressed Sapphire who to Ruby's great insult had a pack of Rubies following close behind. They were fighting for Sapphire attention great she couldn't just fade out of existence without half the planet following after. Standing grass beneath her smoking she walks to the beach almost slipping at the molten glass that is created under her feet. 

" Ruby don't you run away from me."

She ignores Sapphire voice in favor off walking faster she just wants to be alone is that too much to ask for. Sapphire doesn't need her anymore why can't she see that Ruby. flinching at her own thoughts she tries to forget. Why can't Sapphire see what Ruby sees why draw out what they both already know. Making her way to the water she stalks in only to stop a second when she hears a whiney Yelp, and a cry of pain from Pearl. Pearl had walked into the water, and had most likely burned her foot. Ruby could feel the boiling water around her as she walks under the waves. Ruby knows in her heart that Sapphire can't follow her this deep under the sea. Walking under the sea the first time had been a wonderful experience. The second time not so much she had grown tired of the scenery fast. You can only look at the same rock so many times before you grow bored of the sea.

Ruby also has a great deal of guilt because of the boiled fish. Water was never a good thing when she was angry the ocean being filled with fish was even worse. Walking under the waves Ruby tries desperately to calm down from her nightmares. Ruby hates being angry underwater at least when she's angry above the water she doesn't have to worry about boiling things. So she does her best to think happy thoughts only to realize she's too upset to just say calm on her own. Sapphire, or Pearl would usually help her calm down after a nightmare, or when she gets angry over something she can't control. Ruby shakes her head those times were over she need to face that. When your deep under the water while angry it gives you time to think about things like.

Why is the sky blue?

Why am I here in the first place?

Why do gems dream?

Where dreams just memories that we've forgotten?

Things of that nature you can only put off thinking of for so long before you start to realize you really can't. Ruby's life seemed to be trying to tell her something that she didn't like. It was a life lesson she had never been able to learn you think she would have after all this time. It was a lesson she was ignoring in favor of some level of denial. Mostly involving Sapphire lessons where harder especially when Sapphire was involved. Lessons like that were painful, but Sapphire was good at making things better when life only seemed to want to hurt her. She loved Sapphire she did with all her heart with every fiber of her gem, but Ruby wasn't a fool how Sapphire had fallen in love with a defect like her was a mystery to Ruby. A mystery that she had never come close to solving, and had chosen to never bring up with Sapphire afraid of the answer she would receive. Sapphire was kind to her loving in away that Ruby was unaccustomed to even now after all this time. Ruby blinks watching as two Rubies swim past feeling deep annoyance Ruby comes to a stop glaring after them.

Sometimes Ruby hated other Rubies with all her heart. Seeing a group of Rubies had a tendency to bring back painful memories ones that more often than not made her feel a little tight in her chest like she couldn't breathe. Old feelings often came up hate, depression, fear so many emotions that sometimes Ruby couldn't see how she could feel them all at one time. She remembers fear, and pain betrayal hurt it was so hard to think when she remembers it all. She remembers her first lesson in pain. Remembers her Commander standing over her a vision of wrathful spite. The pain of being told being told she feels the beginnings something stirring in her chest a deep fear. The screaming would be engraved in her mind for the rest of her life. The speech that haunted her dreams . Ruby was nothing special she wasn't a special snowflake that anyone would look twice at.  
Her mind pauses Sapphire had looked more than once hadn't she noticed Ruby even with all her faults. Ruby couldn't help feeling ashamed for running away. 

Ruby breaks the surface of the water tripping all over herself from the change in gravity. Sitting down on the sand she looks out at ocean feeling lost it had all gotten so much worse when she heard the news that her old Commander had land on earth. It wasn't bad enough that there were Rubies everywhere ruining everything. Knowing her Commander was here on earth was a little harder to handle she couldn't help wondering what else could go wrong. Picking up a handful of sand she throws it across the beach hating herself for being a coward. She was hiding from her memories her Commander even Sapphire. Who didn't deserve it who really Loved her who was so good to her even when Ruby was being a jerk. Sighing in defeat she wonders how long it will take Sapphire to find her. The sun starts to rise when she feels it a cold hand touches her shoulder so gently that she barely feels it. Not looking she feels slightly devastated when Sapphire voice breaks quiet between them.

" Ruby why are you hiding from me." 

" How did you find me." 

" There is no where you can go that I won't follow not when your this upset." 

" I'm not upset." The lie comes easily almost painfully so.

" Don't lie to me Ruby." 

The quiet is drawn out between them again as Ruby does her best to ignore Sapphire. Who has her arm wrapped Ruby's stomach rubbing her back trying to keep her calm. 

Ruby subconsciously leans into Sapphire finding comfort in her touch.

" What's bothering you dear." 

Ruby shudders miserably looking at her hands at her gem that was supposed to make her special but really didn't. Looking up at Sapphire she tires to put her feelings into words tires to think but can't she's so tired of feeling lost. Ruby hurts so much right now hates her gem hates herself for being a coward for being afraid.  
All she wants is for things to go back to normal before when it was just her and Sapphire.  
Flinching she jerks as Rubies burst out of the ocean running over to them all talking at once wanting Sapphire attention. If Ruby had looked at Sapphire in that moment she would have seen the shocked annoyed look on Sapphire face, but she was too upset to even think to look at her. Busy trying to get away only to held be down by Sapphire. Ruby knows she can use brute force to get up but doesn't want to hurt Sapphire.  
So she avoids looking at them she can hear them talking their voices grating on her nerves, but doesn't register what there saying until with sigh Sapphire voice breaks Ruby's concentration.

" Ruby there gone." 

Ruby looks to where the Rubies had been, and looks back to Sapphire who looks tired.

" You know I was having a somewhat good dream this morning you were in it."

Ruby blushes under Sapphire gaze waits for her to speak again. 

" Why is it that I have to hunt you down to have a conversation with you Ruby. I have to get Pearl to find you in her sleep."

" Where is she anyway." 

" She's at home I asked her to let me speak to you alone. She agreed on one condition she wants to speak to you later when we've worked whatever this is." 

Ruby sighs not knowing how to feel about that. Looking at Sapphire she waits for her to speak again only to be met with the look she gives her when she wants her to speak first. Feeling at a loss not really wanting to talk about what's bothering her. Ruby looks at Sapphire pleadingly who relents with a look that she can't place.

" Ruby something seems off with you seem different more."

Before she can stop herself she snaps something in her breaking it's so painful for a moment she forgets who she talking too.

" Rubyish." Ruby's voice is hard almost yelling on the verge of becoming something dangerous.

The quiet between them is more surprised than anything at Ruby who is flushed with embarrassment. Hating herself for revealing far more than she actually meant too. Sapphire on the other hand looks deeply upset. Has the look that she gets when she hears more of conversation than what's actually been said aloud.

" Ruby you do know your more than just a Ruby don't you."

Just for a moment Ruby forgets how to breathe she doesn't need it but year's of doing it out of habit makes everything that much worse. As her mind tires to wrap itself around what Sapphire just said. How could she know what she was thinking they had barely talked at all. Looking at Sapphire desperately she waits for her to explain herself, but Sapphire doesn't she just stairs back with a look of deep understanding. Sapphire reaches forward gently bringing there froward heads together pressing a hand against Ruby's chest whispering. 

" Breath Ruby your having a panic attack."

Ruby takes a shuddering breath looking at Sapphire waiting for her to tell her how she knows what she's thinking.  
If she even really knew she can feel Sapphire breath on her face as Sapphire finally says. 

" Ruby do you know how special you are to me."

The shuddering broken sob that breaks out Ruby's chest makes Sapphire flinch at the strength of it. 

" It's ok Ruby you mean the world to me. More to me than I can give words. Someone did something to you something horrible I don't know are why but it was something that hurt you can you tell me what that was."

Ruby opens her eyes with jerk trying to pull away only to be stopped by Sapphire who keeps her in place. 

" Please Ruby I need to know what happened to you to make you feel this way to make you feel like."

"Why!" 

Ruby screams it her voice full of sound even Ruby can't recognize it's a vicious sound, but Sapphire doesn't flinch only continues to hug her trying to help Ruby calm her breathing.

" Because your in pain Ruby, and every time you look at another Ruby you look haunted. Like your remembering something painful. I just want to help you Ruby. You can't live like this Ruby when was the last time you slept without waking up screaming when was the last time you felt safe."

" I don't need your help I sleep just fine Sapphire I'm fine."

" No your not everytime you go to sleep now you have nightmares you never relax anymore you're a coiled spring ready to snap you need help." 

" I'm fine what part of I'm fine don't you understand if I'm so annoying, why don't you just move on. Huh? Why don't you find another Ruby to turn your head. I'm sure there have been plenty." 

Ruby is unintentionally harsh, but Sapphire voice instantly becomes harsher still making Ruby cringe away from the sound of it unaccustomed to her rage.

" Is that what you want from me Ruby. Do you really think so little of me. That I would leave you to find another Ruby you think your so easy replaced. Like your something I found on the side of the road, and all these new Ruby's are just better version of you is that what you think that's not." 

Ruby tries to push Sapphire away not wanting to hear what she has to say. Only Sapphire is not letting go so easy clinging to Ruby.

" Not true oh starts Ruby how could ever think that was true." 

Sapphire voice is gentle again soothing.

Ruby makes a sound deep in her chest wrapping her arms around Sapphire neck digging her nails into her back she whispers. 

" It happened one day during training."

" Ruby."

" Stop you wanted to know what happened this is what happened." 

" I had hoped it wouldn't hurt this badly."

" Nothing I have to say is going to be pleasant Sapphire you have to make peace with that." 

Sapphire back straightens as if she bracing herself for something unpleasant reaching down she grasps Ruby hand in a silent show of support .

" It was during training I was in line with my squad. I was having a good day. We were told to wait for our Commander. I liked my Commander because she was so kind I thought she was better than all the others she was a Hessonite. I thought she was nice to us Rubies but I guess it was all a lie. She had the capacity to be cruel heartless even, but I had only ever Known her kindness so I was stupidly loyal to her. I was so shy around her I just wanted to make her proud of me. So I made her a gift a simple little thing. I guess I was a fool for thinking she like it." 

For a moment she hesitates feeling nervous telling Sapphire the truth seemed an impossible task. As if sensing her fear Sapphire doesn't make a sound except to rub her back with her free hand. Feeling brave again Ruby continues the story.

" It was made out of mud, and clay I had made it for her all by myself. To tell her I appreciated her training it was my very first sculpture. I was so happy thinking that I had done something special. I kept thinking no other Ruby had ever done this before made something. All Rubies do is destroy I was convinced I was different because I had created something I almost didn't notice the other Rubies pitying looks I ignored them. The only problem she wasn't showing up on time she was late we were all nervous jumpy. Until she finally she showed up her anger was almost breathtaking to watch. She was so angry she was stressed I guess. Something must not have gone right that morning, and me standing there so excited. I guess I set her off because she grabs me by the back of my neck, and planets me own her chair. I was so nervous I give her my gift, and just a moment barely a second she looks happy proud even, but I guess it was too good to last. Because soon it transforms into rage a rage so bad that it really frightened me. I don't remember much except the screaming. She never physically touched me but her words hurt more than if she had hit me. I wish she had. I could have handled that Rubies are rough used to pain but the screaming the things she said to me Sapphire I don't think I'll ever forget it. 

" But why are you remembering this now Ruby. It's been centuries and she on homeworld what could have possibly brought this back up."

" I guess the other Rubies, and that she's here on the plant Sapphire."

The air between them evaporates as Ruby laughs its a sound that frightens Sapphire if her face is anything to go by.

" She was so angry with me Sapphire told me things I wasn't ready for I was so easy replaced Sapphire, but she didn't she spared me it was the cruelest punishment she could have given me. Before she made them go away she told my squad because of my insubordination she was going to have them all, but one of them shattered. She kept one alive to tell the others. I had become an outcast they all hated me. I never saw them shattered. Sapphire my squad was gone. No squad would take me in I was alone aside from the consent bullying. No one acknowledged my existence until blue diamond took me in. All the other Rubies were turned against me they hurt me for years. I couldn't talk without being reminded that I was just a Ruby. No one wanted to hear me speak hear my side of the story. Hessonite is here I've seen her she looking for me I can tell I've heard whispers the gems have been talking. I can't take it she tore me apart I can't survive another talk from her Sapphire I can't. I never in my life had felt so low I was nothing less than nothing she made me feel like a Ruby. I'm worthless Sapphire you should just leave me and find someone better that Ruby with the hair she likes you, and shes so much better than me you could Marry her we could get a divorce I understand."

Ruby knows she gone past hysterical but can't stop herself.

The slap is unexpected Ruby sobs loader burying her face into Sapphire shoulder she whispers. 

" Sappie."

" How dare you."

She pulls Ruby away.

" How dare you talk about yourself like this how dare you ask for a divorce I love you...I ..lo.ve.. y..o.u."

Sapphire breaks unable to handle Ruby's tear's her pain. There sobbing is only sound until Ruby whispers out. 

" You deserve better I'm just a Ruby Sapphire you deserve better."

" Stop it stop saying that to me who makes beautiful works of art who knows how to make those sculptures." 

Ruby doesn't say anything just looks Sapphire.

" Who reads to me when I'm upset." 

Ruby shrugs again not speaking. 

" Who makes me tea who cooks waffles for Steven at three in the morning when he has nightmares, who likes to paint who tires to write poetry who tries to walk on their hands even no sense of balance who is my wife who I love."

" Me."

" That's right, you are more than just a Ruby you are my wife." 

Ruby's voice is quiet when finally speaks.

" I'm just a copy of a copy Sapphire I'm just a Ruby."

"Your my ruby doesn't that count for anything."

"No."

The quiet is overwhelming as they stare at each other. Sapphire lets out a heart breaking sound of denial trying to pull her back. Ruby stands up walking away leaving Sapphire behind only hesitating a second when Sapphire starts to cry in earnest a heartbreaking sound that hurts Ruby. Sapphire needed to move own she was just a Ruby after all nothing special the world had seen to that.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to try so hard to finish this fic I will.


End file.
